There may come a day when you realize the life you want isn’t the life you have despite listening to so-called society's rules of what to wear, how to act, and who to be.
It could happen when you’re a teenager or young adult, maybe even later in life. For me, it happened in college.
It starts with you walking the narrow line of perfection. You know … don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. Keep your head down. And most importantly do not under all circumstances, fall in love!!! Well, they were right about that one, lol.
I get why they call it falling, and boy did it hit hard when I landed. It was one of those loves that came when you least expected it — really at the most inconvenient time if you ask me — but still, it was a love that fought to be seen, felt, and heard.
Heartbreak is such a weird thing, one day everything is fine, I'm laughing with my friends. I’ve finally finished the work that my professor assigned two weeks prior, things are looking up! I can finally breathe without him. Then I am walking home and something so insignificant like someone who looks like him and just like that here I am again, Missing him.
This is the part where I said it came at the most inconvenient time. Firstly, I'm in college, and I'm trying to make something amazing out of myself and heartbreak is on my shoulders as I have my assignment due at 11:59 p.m. A job interview on Thursday, and a team presentation on Friday. At this point heartbreak is annoying.
You know, the part where inside it feels like every part of you is torn but externally everything just keeps rotating. You still have class in the morning and the two assignments due that night and your professor doesn’t care that you’ve had your first heartbreak and your ex doesn’t care that your heart is broken.
The only thing that kept me going was the certainty that one day I would see someone who looks like him and feel nothing. I will have the degree that I so desperately worked on while every inch of my body was aching, and I will celebrate and laugh, and it'll be filled with love and hope.
I'll always be that girl who wants the “boombox over his head outside the window” kind of love and the “get ready we’re going to the beach" love, but this time I’ll make sure the sunglasses I wear won’t be rose-colored.
I thought I had to be loved by someone for it to be considered love, for me to think I was worth loving. I did have to be loved by someone, but that person was me.
I needed to find within me a love that was so empowering, unconditional, and accepting that within all the constant battles of juggling college classes, the inconsistency of boys and friends, and just the simple fact that life is hard that she would still be standing. I needed to find self-love because I want it all, I want the best life for myself and how can I receive all this if I feel like I don’t deserve it?
Life doesn’t stop and nor should you in your pursuit of happiness. However, sometimes you never get the chance to truly heal unless you intentionally choose to be that girl.
That girl who wakes up and realizes she’s a bystander in her own life and then decides to be the main character, to become the best version of themselves — physically, mentally, and spiritually.
That girl who doesn’t want to carry around hurt anymore. That girl who doesn’t really want to listen to society's rubric of who to be.
So that girl starts going to the gym, starts looking inwardly to heal the broken parts of herself. She starts trusting her faith instead of herself and learns to love with balance and clarity.
It's not an easy process. You’re constantly battling with who you were, who you are, and who you want to be — and of those all live simultaneously inside.
That girl — she is me, and I am her.
— Jamilia Hall, a senior communication studies major with an emphasis on organizational communication, is interning with the Office of Marketing and Communications this spring. She is a native of Darby and is a fan of the Vampire Diaries.#BloomOnward #HuskyLife
